Browse Professor Quotes

Now, I'll need you to stand up here, take a drag from your cigarette, and say the letter /f/...

—John Kingston, Linguistics 414

So, what is Roe v. Wade? *no response from class* ...Two ways to cross a river?

—Professor Banu Subramaniam, Women's Studies 187

It would be like if I said I wasted 6 cops and 2 hos with an ak47 today, just another day at the office.

—Professor Ralph Whitehead, Journalism

Right now, the body of everyone in this room is being penetrated.

—Guest Professor, Astron. 100 - discussing dark matter
Now this is where the processor gets a liiiiiiittle schizophrenic...
—Prof. Bill Verts (CompSci 201), on representing positive and negative numbers in binary
How many people think this is long? How many think it's short? How many people just don't give a shit this morning?
—Professor Felton-Miller, talking about syllables in Ancient Greek
This is an example of a professor giving a lecture on something he knows nothing about, so fill in the blanks...
—Professor Matt Kelty, Natural Resources Conservation 150: Principles of Applied Ecology
If it quacks like a duck, it's a noun.
—Ellen Woolford, Ling. 404
We all know that a déjà vu experience is a glitch in the matrix... if you ever experience a déjà vu, you should call OIT because we all know how helpful they are.
—Professor Overtree, Psych 100
I love those Excedrin commercials; the ones showing just people's eyes- shit man, I had THAT headache yesterday!
—Professor Marram, COMM 397o
...'cause it's quick, cheap, and dirty.
—professor of geology, don wise, geo231, adjectives used to explain why his way is the best and easiest way to keep a field notebook organized.
This is a picture of my wife and my girlfriend. The girlfriend was a girlfriend in high school. The wife is current. They get along. Really.
—Dr. Bill Verts, Comp Sci 105: Computer Literacy
Humans didn't bring those rocks in for decoration. GOD BROUGHT THOSE ROCKS FOR DECORATION!
—Prof. Simkins; Solil 105 On the boulders in Central Park
Its kinda floppy
—Prof. Synder, Chem 261 talking about the shape of CH3
Almost all the 20th century presidents were college graduates, and Woodrow Wilson was that rarest of types, a college professor. Probably ruined all of us professors' chances at being president.
—Prof. Jerome Mileur, PoliSci 201
They don't have an option here for 'Go Away And Die' do they?
—Dr. Bill Verts in Comp. Sci. 105, trying to get rid of the Microsoft Office Helper
Maybe we SHOULD just throw the grizzly bears in jail.
—Professor Vere Chappell, PHIL 100
If I were a whale trainer, I could throw little fish parts at you. But that would not be positive reinforcement, that would be harassment.
—Professor Overtree, Psych 100
I'm not saying no one ever had sex with a monkey...
—Professor Albey Reiner, talking about HIV/SIV/AIDS and it can jump species
Now, I don't want this to end up on the Daily Jolt....
—Prof. McCarthy, Ling. 402, after saying something particularly juicy
I'm going to give you a very important piece of advice, not just for phonology, but for life: READ THE FUCKING DIRECTIONS.
—Prof. McCarthy, Linguistics 402
Are all of you here for English 112? Cuz that would be a shame if you had to sit through my bullshit, then realize you're in the wrong place.
—Professor Ryan
A little s&m never hurt the land
—Marios Philippides on ancient Greek rituals.
You are the customer. So you are right
—Professor Winter, ChE Fluids 230, about a problem we weren't quite sure was right.
I've been goofing in the roses.
—Prof. Hollingsworth, Entomology 126
He took it to his ass and shoved it, red and hot, in there!
—Professor Jenny Adams, Eng 416
It's easy to jump from one virgin to another.
—Professor Philippides, describing how ancient holy sites often change hands from one religion to another as time goes by
Ben and J-Lo broke up! Oh no we are at code yellow!
—Professor Blackstone, Sociology 242 referring to the new system of homeland security
-To help, I brought action figures.
--I hope they're Etruscan action figures.
-They're close enough. They're He-man.
—Dialogue between Prof. Wallace and a student on his Etruscan mythology presentation.
And I said to my doctor 'Look what I can do!' [lifting up his arms] What I didn't tell him was that I could once again wipe my ass with my right hand. It's not easy to switch.
—Prof. Reiner, MICBIO 160
postpositive enclitic.....it sounds like a kind of disease.
—Professor Felton-Miller, Greek 126
You have a compressed dick--disk in your back... yeah, that can cause back pain too!
—Professor Overtree, Psych 100
How do we know that we can eat it? that we can stick it in other places that we might stick it?
—Professor Bhatia, ChE 597B, Biomaterials
That wasn't around when I was......uh.......
—Prof Reiner, MicBio 160 - after a student told him that vaporizers were now used as a way to smoke weed
What's with the fist pumping?
—Alec Wild, Theater 342: Acting .. in reference to a lesbian scene.
The male sex organs are teh testes, and I have some testes to show you
—Professor Judy Goodenough, Bio 105
Any male in this room could father the entire population of the United States tommorow if need be.
—Professor Byers, Bio 101, on availability of male gametes.
If I kill someone, it should not affect my academic life!
—overheard in the BlueWall
I will either meet you in the parking lot and break your legs or kick you out of here.
—Prof. Philippides, Greek Myth (Classics 224), on catching someone reading the newspaper in class
I know this is torture for you, but it is really funny for me.
—Daniela Pisciotta, during an intense oral grammar drill
Everybody be a loud sexologist!
—Professor Michael Lewis, Sociology, encouraging people to speak up about predictive differentiation.
MMMMM! Liquid endosperm!
—Prof Godfrey, Bio 524, talking about coconut milk
Gravity always sucks.
—Professor Min Yun, Astronomy 100: Exploring the Universe
Go home-- try to feel like you're going to die! This is not a required component of the course.
—Prof. Overtree, Psych 100, telling us to try breathing through a coffee stirrer for two minutes
The zeroth law of thermodynamics only works for gases and NOT for people. So, if Bob loves Jane and Dick also loves Jane, it DOES NOT mean Bob loves Dick. That is just plain wrong and might get me into trouble for saying that..
—Prof Mcgowan, MIE 230 - Thermodynamics
You can make a pie, or you can make a mess, or you can make whoopie......I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I don't think it's like making a pie.
—Prof. Kyle Johnson, Ling. 503
Thank you because before now I didn't know there was life after menopause.
—Professor Albey Reiner, Biology of Cancer and AIDS referring to a magazine ad.
There is more physics than the Britney (Spears) outfit....Britney rules, but for not the right reason. Prof. Po-Zen Wong (Physics 182 E&M)
—Comparing Britney's midrift to spacings in the RLC filters due to resonance frequencies.
I am experiencing mild nausea. Normally I'd blame it on heavy drinking, but unfortunately I neglected to do any.
—Prof. David Fisher, Software Engineering (CompSci 320), opening a discussion section
If you wake them up in the middle of the night and ask 'what's a soft drink called?' they would probably say 'tonic.'
—Prof. McCarthy, Linguistics 101, on your grandparents' word for soda in the 'Boston dialect'
That sounds like a good explaination until you start thinking about it.
—Prof Marios Phillipides, Classics 224 Greek Myth
My world is cold and without hope.
—Professor Fermann, Chem 122H: General Chemistry II
Try to put the vibrating phone in someplace appropriate.
—Professor Overtree, Psych 100
Professor Blackstone: How many of you guys have experienced blacking out while drinking?

(nearly every hand in thompson goes up)

Professor Blackstone: Holy shit!
—Professor Lee Blackstone, Drugs & Society Sociology 242
This looks like a reasonably intelligent group. I don't see any Yankee caps.
—Professor Mileur, Poli-Sci 201: American Politics Through Film
How it was possible for over 100 years to miss the fact that all of the women in this image are involved in some kind of lesbian activity completely baffles me!
—Professor Walter Denny. Umass Professor of Art History
And on the seventh day, God created NFL. Everybody needs a rest, right?
—Professor Kitchell, Classics 224: Greek Mythology
You become a caveman. Wife, make me coffee. Husband, shut the fuck up.
—Prof Connolly Ryan, discussing what happens when you are married for a long time
I'm the Grinch who stole Kwanza, people. I'm not giving it back.
—Prof Connolly Ryan
It's the penthouse in the ghetto.
—Prof Connolly Ryan, discussing Commonwealth College
I'm a self-mutilating pinata!
—Prof Connolly Ryan
Hey...it ain't you Harry, it ain't you Jane; it has something to do with the economic structure.
—Prof. Steve Resnick, talking about the rising divorce rate in the US over the past 30 years.
Don't try to have a mystical union with God by drinking too much beer; what you'll end up with is a mystical union with vomiting.
—Prof. Denny, Art History 100
I'm sure that Elvis was Nero reincarnated. We're just lucky that Elvis wasn't king. I mean really king.
—Professor Carlin Barton, History 349: Discussing the Roman emperor Nero's musical aspirations and reckless living
If you're a mutt, don't go out with poodles!
—Professor Mort Harmatz, Psych 213: Human Sexual Behavior
Pissed off - its a technical economic term!
—Prof. Wolff, Econ 104
Red Bull is a stimulant. I'm not saying it's a drug of abuse... it is if you throw it at someone...
—Prof. Overtree, Abnormal Psych
We have to take off our clothes to do this!
—Professor Marian MacDonald, Psych 240: Statistics
he had chronic flatulance. this guy was good in groups?!?
—Professor Lyon, PoliSci 111 commenting on Totalitarianism and Hitler's charisma.
This book was written by a person with whom I am intimately familiar. In fact, I even sleep with him... Don't worry, it's always safe sex.
—Professor Sheldon Goldman, Political Science 362: Politica, Law, and Judicial Behavior; talking the required textbook that he wrote himself.
My son wants to be a boyscout. We didn't have boyscouts growing up in the Bronx...we had gangs.
—Prof. Steve Simurda, Journ 225
I like birds... That's nice; I shoot birds. What's your point?
—PoliSci 121 TA Tom Roberts on political idealist theory vs. political realist theory
I can understand Britney Spears 'I'm not that innocent, but really.
—Professor Levy, HST 406, speaking about Sally Hemings being 15 when her affair with Jefferson began
Think of writing your reviews in terms of sex; it's all about the foreplay, people!
—Prof. Greenhouse, Jr. Year Writing
I went to college with a fourteen-year-old prodigy. I'll tell you one thing he wasn't a prodigy in social skills- He had lettuce in his teeth, 24/7.
—Professor Overtree, Psych 100
It will be 17 degrees tonight. Animals will freeze and children will die. Welcome to April.
—Martin Espada: English 491, Neruda in Translation
Oh jeeze. I kinda feel like I'm on drugs.
—~Professor William Meeks, Math 300
All you need is the post coietal scream and you have the perfect kitty porn.
—Dr. George Howe, AnSci 452 Feline Reproduction.
Never trust a professor.
—Prof. Mario Philipides, Greek Myth
Here's a caterpillar humping along... different use of the word.
—Prof. Hollingsworth, Entomology 126
Stripping is most common when the materials are hot.
—Professor Malone, ChE 338
Keep your eyes on your exam... you neighbor might be wrong.
—Prof. Shetty, World Food Habits
Here's another interesting piece of information: Fidel Castro tried out for the New York Yankees...Evil Empire, indeed.
—Prof. Gary Hardegree, Phil 310
Professor Espada: I apologize that there are no accurate clocks on this campus.
Student: That's ok, I go to Hampshire.
Professor Espada: Oh, well you use an hour glass anyway.
—Professor Jolt, History 101: History of The Daily Jolt
Males are relatively indiscriminate when mating.
—Professor Byers, Biology 101; discussing isolating mechanisms between species
“In jail, you’ll probably get raped by an 800 lbs gorilla.”
—Fred Feldman, Intro to Ethics, Phil 160
She immediately puts her braids across her naughty bits.
—Prof. Denny, Art History 100
So then it gives off poisonous gas.
Student: Wow, that's awesome!
Actually, it kinda blows.
—Professor Fermann, Chem 122H, General Chemistry II
Those damn cookie nazis
—Dr Kitchell (greek mythology 224) in reference to Girl & boy scouts
The penis isn't like a BB Gun, you can't just shoot things out of it!
—Dr. Howe, Anatomy & Physiology 220
There's a snake in my panties
—Prof. Sandy Hill in ECE221 trying to get the class to say "EEEWWWWW"
I left an oven on 450 for five days-- I went out of town. It didn't burn down. It wasn't my house. When it's not your house you don't have to check as much.
—Prof. Overtree, Psych 100
I was having a conversation with someone about diseases, and I couldn't remember the name Alzheimers.
—Robert Keefe.
Can somebody explain what fisting is?
—Discussion of sexual discourses on campus, Sociology 102, Prof. Irvine
Girl scouts... damn cookie nazis.
—Professor Kitchell, Classics 224: Greek Mythology
Safe food is a little bit like safe sex: everyone knows about it, but nobody does it
—Professer Clydesdale, Food Science
The architecture here at Umass? Stahlinism....There are a few bulidings with character. The rest is Hitler's bunker
—Professor Phillipides, speaking about Neoclassical architure in Greek civ
What we have here [in ancient Greece] is a bureaucracy, one that would make Whitmore seem like a picnic.
—Professor M. Philippides Classics 100: Greek Civilization
I dont know how many ads ive gotten for penis enlargements (speaking of internet pop up ads)
—Professor R. Stokes, Sociology 103 Social Problems
Every time I think a woman is interested in me. I find that there is a more logical explanation.
—Dean Richard Wikander, Anthro 271; telling the class about his experiences in dating.

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